i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
