3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
