I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
