I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
