Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
