Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
