I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
wow bdsm is so cute
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