I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
