I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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