he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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