As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
