Well apparently he's into motor boating.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
