..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
