your parents love me but you hate me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
