I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
