Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
