Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she pinky promised me she was 18
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
