OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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