Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
