Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
