i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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