Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
