I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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