Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you guys were way drunker than both of me
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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