Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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