Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
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