The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
