I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
