happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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