Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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