Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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