i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
