did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
