Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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