theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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