He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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