im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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