just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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