Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
