I bet he comes in French.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
