did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
