remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
