It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
