I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
