I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
