Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
