walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Swine flu is the new snow day.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
