my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
