"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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