It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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