youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
