I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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