So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
